A crazy long time and a crazy lot to say!

I haven't blogged in a very long time now. I could not tell you how much weight I have lost since the last time I posted, but I can tell you that this has been one crazy life these past 3 years.

We left Rantoul (none too soon), Kent has been through 3 jobs and is now settled in a job that he at least enjoys, Kent separated from the military for good, we moved again (this time to stay), I was diagnosed with Cancer, had a hysterectomy, and now we are starting the adoption process. *Whew* That sure was a lot in one big breath.

Now we are raising funds for the adoption. We have held a rummage sale that was highly unsuccessful, nearly as unsuccessful as the t-shirts we had printed. We still have a lot of the things that were donated to us and several of the tshirts. So this time around we are doing an online fundraiser and youcaring.com site. I will provide the links to both of these sites below.

It is so difficult not to get discouraged when looking at the price tag adoption. It breaks my heart to think of how many children go without homes  when there are so many loving people out there longing to be parents. No dollar amount should stop a child from having a loving family.

I beg of you to help, if not us then another family. There are lots out there hoping to one day hold an infant in their arms that they can take home with them.

Here is the link to our You Caring page:
Kent and Raynel + Baby = Family!


This link is for our fundraising page which sells multiple different items and we receive 40% of all sales.
Kent and Raynel Adoption Fund


Visit and Share!

The failure in me.

I feel sometimes as though I can not do anything right. Like most of my life I have either half accomplished things or just completely failed. I see November 7th quickly approaching and I am not even near a 30 pound loss. I know it is my fault I can not make myself diet, exercise, or some days even get up. I don't have a job and I see our household quickly sinking, and I am scared. I blame me for our sinking I didn't stand up and take care of me I relied on someone else. I know that my problems are self made, that my stress is more my burden than anyone else.  I was once a woman who was some kind of strong, able, beautiful, and intelligent. I do not know what those things are any more. Strong? I am far from that I would rather lay in a ball than face my world most of the time. Able? I do not know what I have the ability to do any more. I feel like I am unqualified for everything. Beautiful? Not in the least, I am fat, I nearly have a full beard, and my face peels like a snake. I can not even stand to look at myself in a mirror.  Intelligent? No far from that, most of the time stupid and inferior. Some days I feel like the biggest lie in all those words is woman. I do not fit that definition any more. The one thing in this world I have ever wanted more than anything is a baby and I can not even do that. Biologically I have all the parts but I can't make them work. I can not seem to make anything work or to be what I am supposed to. Please tell me how.

The ups and downs and feeling crazies of the week!

I did not think that I was going to post by the week but I suppose that is what I am doing. So the 2.4 pounds I found last Friday, had just come to find 5  friends and run off by Wednesday.  Yep that is right in the first 2 weeks I lost 5 pounds. Hmm, I had Long Johns last night bet that means I gained that 5 pounds back. We shall see on Wednesday. I have put in application after application and have yet to hear anything. I am going to start making phone calls on Monday. You know the old, "I put in an application at your business on Blah blah date and I am just checking to see the status of that application. I am really interested in working for your company."
I know sounds like begging right? Well right now I am truly not too proud for that. I made a couple of magazine trees this week and am currently working on a third plus a news paper tree. They are super cute even if they cost a lot of time to make. I want to start selling them gonna have to get on the ball and get quite a few finished. Again wish me luck and send many prayers my way.

Feeling Crazy

Stress depression and more stress.... Did I mention the stress?

 So before I get into all the stress let me update you on the weekend. On Saturday we picked up Jonah and Addyson from Meme's house and were on our way to Savoy to see the Tiger and ride the horses. Along the way the kids and Uncle Kent became a farm full of animals in the back seat. I could  listen to the music of their laughter every minute for the rest of my life and never want it to stop. We made it to the "Extravaganza" but the tiger did not, the horse rides (that the kids were most excited about) cost money, and the adults were very rude, one woman even shoved Jonah out of her way so she could pet the ferret. I was pretty disgusted. So glad we have very understanding babies. I explained that the tigers truck had broken down and he had not made it that day but would be there in the morning and that we would call Mama as soon as we got in the truck and ask her for money to ride the horses. Both kids agreed that this was ok and we would come back in the morning. We walked around a bit more, Jonah got to pet a miniature horse and Addy got brushed in the face by a chicken wing. We tried on some funny hats, named all the stuffed animals they had for sale, and then headed for the truck. As promised we promptly called Mama and worked out the whole horse situation while telling her about all the other animals we got to see and touch. Soon after Addyson was asleep and Jonah was asking me where his pumpkin and my house was. We got gas and then stopped at Walmart here in Rantoul  for some food and some pumpkins.

We were still sleepy and throwing a little fit. 

Jonah and I could not time the picture and the smile. 

We got home and the kids and I had a snack then went out to carve our pumpkins. I left mine on the porch to carve at a later date. This turned out to be a mistake as the squirrels carved it for me.

This is what I saw when I went out the door on Monday morning.

This was Wednesday.

This is my poor pumpkin 15 hours ago. Who knows what it looks like now. 

So we carved the kids pumpkins and then went in to have some pizza (in Jonah's case dry cereal) and Rice Krispie  Treats and watch a little "Woody Buzz".  Then we danced on Aunt Ray Ray and Uncle Kent's bed to "Yak Yak" (Yikity Yak by Ray Stevens), Purple People Eater, and YEEHAW before going to sleep. The next morning we loaded up Jonah and Addy's Jack'o lanterns and headed for Donald Ducks (McDonald's) and the play place before heading to see the Tiger and ride the Horses. Then it was off to see Mommy with a brief detour at Kevin and Karen's house, where Addy proclaimed "Me no want see Kimmy!" I told her to just keep her eyes closed so she did. Kimmy came with us to drop the kids off, little did she know that the kids had other plans for her. She had to take a tour of their new house, play "Woody Buzz", and be shot dead over and over before Addyson poked her back to life. Then came the goodbyes and the fits because no one wanted Kimmy to leave.  We then headed to pick up our new to us freezer (thanks Tina and Wes) and picked up the dog before heading to drop Kim back off. We hung out there for a while and got to play with Xavier which is a rare treat.  All together it was an amazing weekend. 

Then came Monday! I have done little but worry about money since waking up at 5:30 Monday morning. How are we going to afford gas? How am I going to pay the bills? I really have to find a job, but then how am I going to get to work? Please God let it work out that he gets into the Air Force and we get back on our feet again! God, can you make sure we have enough money to pay the needed bills and eat? 

I had what they said was an interview on Tuesday, it turned out to be an application process for an insurance sales position. I do not know whether they made it seem appealing or the money that they flashed in front of me made it appealing, maybe I was just blind to the fact that I was going to have to put a whole lot of money in to be getting a little out. Either way they called me back Wednesday evening to invite me back for an actual interview. I was kind of excited until I talked to my mom and she flashed reality in front of my face. 

1. I am not a sales person.  Couldn't sell ice to a snowman in hell. 
2. You are not guaranteed profit.
3. They require you to have a laptop and you have to pay for it.
4. There is a lot of driving involved and I drive a huge 4x4 truck that drinks gas like crazy (they do not pay for that either)
5. That truck is our only vehicle and Kent is our primary income. He needs the truck. 

So I talked these points over with Kent and yep I will not be going to that interview. I was sick to my stomach. We need the extra money so desperately and here I am turning down a job. Now not only am I stressed but terribly depressed. I am filling out job applications frantically and feeling pretty stupid. For many reasons most of which is not having gone to college. I have no marketable skills! Ugh! How did I let myself become this woman? I sure was not that girl. I may not have wanted to work in the past but when push came to shove I could get a job and do well at it. Now I am not even sure how to fill out the application. On top of it all I have become a stress eater. I never used to be, before when I got stressed I would get sick and not be able to eat and now it is all I want to do. I want to have a good cry and a big bunch of sweets. I think I need a buddy here in Rantoul someone to call when I am stressed and need to talk or take a walk. I need someone who knows how I feel and is in the same zip code.

Did I mention the Stress!?!? 

                                               

The Marine Wife in me wants her life back!

My family can not understand why we are so eager to go back to the military. Never being settled, moving every 3 years, not being home is unimaginable to them. That is not to mention their terrible fear of the next deployment. It does not scare me in fact it comforts me! How could I not be comforted by the sense of security an active duty pay check brings? By knowing with out a doubt I will never again have to choose whether I pay my rent and truck payment or I buy food. How could I not want the security of knowing there is going to be a roof over our heads and power in our home no matter how tight the budget is? I guess it is hard for my family to see those things through my view because they have never had my view.

I feel like it gets harder and harder every day for us to keep our heads above water. I know that realistically in the past 2 years as a family we took a $2800.00 a month cut in pay and our bills doubled. It would be hard for anyone to stay afloat with the drastic change. I get told all the time well you just can not live like you used to, and we don't. If it were 2 years ago today we would be getting ready to pick up the kids. Instead of going to a free petting zoo and carving pumpkins my mom bought we would be headed for dinner some where and maybe a pumpkin patch on our own dime. My birthday last month would have been spent at a decently nice restaurant instead of the Chinese buffet that made me sick, and would have been followed by a movie. Our Saturdays would have been dinner and a movie or something else like that. It would not have been 2 months since the kids last spent the night, 6 months or so since I last saw my friends, or God knows how long since I had left the state. We would be living in a single family home where I could crank the music and not worry that someone was going to call the office. I would not have to call the office twice a week because my neighbors refuse to accept that they live in an apartment and can not crank their music or run and jump because I want some peace too. Our life would just be normal again... Well normal for us. 

Like my family, I too am afraid of the next deployment, but no more afraid active duty than I am national guard. I guess active duty makes me a little less afraid of that too. You see there is a sense of family when your on base with a unit there is a CO or XO's wife that I can contact, and normally she has been there before, and if she hasn't she is there now just like me. National Guard I do not know anyone from my husbands unit, they do not live near, I do not have any phone numbers, and even if I did they all have jobs. They are Civilians first and Military wives second, I will always be a military wife first. I will always love waking up to my man sliding into his camis , to the boots on the show rack, the tags hanging by the bed. I want to have to have my id out just to go home at night, buy groceries, and see the doctor. I want to be where people do not look at me funny because I have to think about what my social is when asked, because I am so used to reciting his. That is just my life, I miss it and I want it back!