The failure in me.

I feel sometimes as though I can not do anything right. Like most of my life I have either half accomplished things or just completely failed. I see November 7th quickly approaching and I am not even near a 30 pound loss. I know it is my fault I can not make myself diet, exercise, or some days even get up. I don't have a job and I see our household quickly sinking, and I am scared. I blame me for our sinking I didn't stand up and take care of me I relied on someone else. I know that my problems are self made, that my stress is more my burden than anyone else.  I was once a woman who was some kind of strong, able, beautiful, and intelligent. I do not know what those things are any more. Strong? I am far from that I would rather lay in a ball than face my world most of the time. Able? I do not know what I have the ability to do any more. I feel like I am unqualified for everything. Beautiful? Not in the least, I am fat, I nearly have a full beard, and my face peels like a snake. I can not even stand to look at myself in a mirror.  Intelligent? No far from that, most of the time stupid and inferior. Some days I feel like the biggest lie in all those words is woman. I do not fit that definition any more. The one thing in this world I have ever wanted more than anything is a baby and I can not even do that. Biologically I have all the parts but I can't make them work. I can not seem to make anything work or to be what I am supposed to. Please tell me how.

Mind Over Mirror

One of my Mom's favorite things to tell me is, "it's just mind over matter" when I couldn't bring myself to eat deer it was mind over matter, when I could not straighten my leg for the X-Ray it was mind over matter (she was dead wrong that time), and my refusal to swim in lake water is mind over matter. In most cases through my life when she has said that she has been on the money.  I wonder if she knows that I have been playing mind over mirror all these years.

Really if I close my eyes my mind does not see the same girl that the mirror sees. Maybe that is why I have such a difficult time sticking to eating right and exercising. I have not ever visualized myself as the "fat girl" in the mirror. When I close my eyes the me I see is tiny! She has curly, but not frizzy hair, there is no facial hair at all, her skin is like alabaster, she weighs 140 tops, and talk about beautiful.  Now I am not delusional or separated from reality or anything like that, I know the girl in the mirror is whats real I just do not feel her (I even dream thin).  I wish that if I did not mind the girl in the mirror would not matter. However I still do mind her and unfortunately she matters like crazy! I guess I have to make it so it is mirror over mind. In this one case that is what is best for me.  I have 200 pounds to shed before the girl in today's mirror can stop mattering to me.



Mind Over Mirror