The ups and downs and feeling crazies of the week!

I did not think that I was going to post by the week but I suppose that is what I am doing. So the 2.4 pounds I found last Friday, had just come to find 5  friends and run off by Wednesday.  Yep that is right in the first 2 weeks I lost 5 pounds. Hmm, I had Long Johns last night bet that means I gained that 5 pounds back. We shall see on Wednesday. I have put in application after application and have yet to hear anything. I am going to start making phone calls on Monday. You know the old, "I put in an application at your business on Blah blah date and I am just checking to see the status of that application. I am really interested in working for your company."
I know sounds like begging right? Well right now I am truly not too proud for that. I made a couple of magazine trees this week and am currently working on a third plus a news paper tree. They are super cute even if they cost a lot of time to make. I want to start selling them gonna have to get on the ball and get quite a few finished. Again wish me luck and send many prayers my way.

Feeling Crazy

Stress depression and more stress.... Did I mention the stress?

 So before I get into all the stress let me update you on the weekend. On Saturday we picked up Jonah and Addyson from Meme's house and were on our way to Savoy to see the Tiger and ride the horses. Along the way the kids and Uncle Kent became a farm full of animals in the back seat. I could  listen to the music of their laughter every minute for the rest of my life and never want it to stop. We made it to the "Extravaganza" but the tiger did not, the horse rides (that the kids were most excited about) cost money, and the adults were very rude, one woman even shoved Jonah out of her way so she could pet the ferret. I was pretty disgusted. So glad we have very understanding babies. I explained that the tigers truck had broken down and he had not made it that day but would be there in the morning and that we would call Mama as soon as we got in the truck and ask her for money to ride the horses. Both kids agreed that this was ok and we would come back in the morning. We walked around a bit more, Jonah got to pet a miniature horse and Addy got brushed in the face by a chicken wing. We tried on some funny hats, named all the stuffed animals they had for sale, and then headed for the truck. As promised we promptly called Mama and worked out the whole horse situation while telling her about all the other animals we got to see and touch. Soon after Addyson was asleep and Jonah was asking me where his pumpkin and my house was. We got gas and then stopped at Walmart here in Rantoul  for some food and some pumpkins.

We were still sleepy and throwing a little fit. 

Jonah and I could not time the picture and the smile. 

We got home and the kids and I had a snack then went out to carve our pumpkins. I left mine on the porch to carve at a later date. This turned out to be a mistake as the squirrels carved it for me.

This is what I saw when I went out the door on Monday morning.

This was Wednesday.

This is my poor pumpkin 15 hours ago. Who knows what it looks like now. 

So we carved the kids pumpkins and then went in to have some pizza (in Jonah's case dry cereal) and Rice Krispie  Treats and watch a little "Woody Buzz".  Then we danced on Aunt Ray Ray and Uncle Kent's bed to "Yak Yak" (Yikity Yak by Ray Stevens), Purple People Eater, and YEEHAW before going to sleep. The next morning we loaded up Jonah and Addy's Jack'o lanterns and headed for Donald Ducks (McDonald's) and the play place before heading to see the Tiger and ride the Horses. Then it was off to see Mommy with a brief detour at Kevin and Karen's house, where Addy proclaimed "Me no want see Kimmy!" I told her to just keep her eyes closed so she did. Kimmy came with us to drop the kids off, little did she know that the kids had other plans for her. She had to take a tour of their new house, play "Woody Buzz", and be shot dead over and over before Addyson poked her back to life. Then came the goodbyes and the fits because no one wanted Kimmy to leave.  We then headed to pick up our new to us freezer (thanks Tina and Wes) and picked up the dog before heading to drop Kim back off. We hung out there for a while and got to play with Xavier which is a rare treat.  All together it was an amazing weekend. 

Then came Monday! I have done little but worry about money since waking up at 5:30 Monday morning. How are we going to afford gas? How am I going to pay the bills? I really have to find a job, but then how am I going to get to work? Please God let it work out that he gets into the Air Force and we get back on our feet again! God, can you make sure we have enough money to pay the needed bills and eat? 

I had what they said was an interview on Tuesday, it turned out to be an application process for an insurance sales position. I do not know whether they made it seem appealing or the money that they flashed in front of me made it appealing, maybe I was just blind to the fact that I was going to have to put a whole lot of money in to be getting a little out. Either way they called me back Wednesday evening to invite me back for an actual interview. I was kind of excited until I talked to my mom and she flashed reality in front of my face. 

1. I am not a sales person.  Couldn't sell ice to a snowman in hell. 
2. You are not guaranteed profit.
3. They require you to have a laptop and you have to pay for it.
4. There is a lot of driving involved and I drive a huge 4x4 truck that drinks gas like crazy (they do not pay for that either)
5. That truck is our only vehicle and Kent is our primary income. He needs the truck. 

So I talked these points over with Kent and yep I will not be going to that interview. I was sick to my stomach. We need the extra money so desperately and here I am turning down a job. Now not only am I stressed but terribly depressed. I am filling out job applications frantically and feeling pretty stupid. For many reasons most of which is not having gone to college. I have no marketable skills! Ugh! How did I let myself become this woman? I sure was not that girl. I may not have wanted to work in the past but when push came to shove I could get a job and do well at it. Now I am not even sure how to fill out the application. On top of it all I have become a stress eater. I never used to be, before when I got stressed I would get sick and not be able to eat and now it is all I want to do. I want to have a good cry and a big bunch of sweets. I think I need a buddy here in Rantoul someone to call when I am stressed and need to talk or take a walk. I need someone who knows how I feel and is in the same zip code.

Did I mention the Stress!?!? 

                                               

Mind Over Mirror

One of my Mom's favorite things to tell me is, "it's just mind over matter" when I couldn't bring myself to eat deer it was mind over matter, when I could not straighten my leg for the X-Ray it was mind over matter (she was dead wrong that time), and my refusal to swim in lake water is mind over matter. In most cases through my life when she has said that she has been on the money.  I wonder if she knows that I have been playing mind over mirror all these years.

Really if I close my eyes my mind does not see the same girl that the mirror sees. Maybe that is why I have such a difficult time sticking to eating right and exercising. I have not ever visualized myself as the "fat girl" in the mirror. When I close my eyes the me I see is tiny! She has curly, but not frizzy hair, there is no facial hair at all, her skin is like alabaster, she weighs 140 tops, and talk about beautiful.  Now I am not delusional or separated from reality or anything like that, I know the girl in the mirror is whats real I just do not feel her (I even dream thin).  I wish that if I did not mind the girl in the mirror would not matter. However I still do mind her and unfortunately she matters like crazy! I guess I have to make it so it is mirror over mind. In this one case that is what is best for me.  I have 200 pounds to shed before the girl in today's mirror can stop mattering to me.



Mind Over Mirror

Survival of the Richest!

Ok so yeah we are on a limited budget! We rob Peter to pay Paul 2 or 3 times a month, and let me tell you Mary is pissed cause she ain't been paid in ages. I hear the news media, politicians, celebrities, and celeb Doctors (Doctor OZ and his kind) talk about how there is an "Obesity Epidemic". Well no shit people the average american family doesn't make 600,000 dollars a year (I know I am low balling most of these people)! I want to know if they have really looked at a grocery store shelf. Do they know that those of us "common" folk must weigh the difference between price and nutrition?

As I was shopping for my food today I had the choice I could buy crackers that were made with white flour and all kinds of  additives or whole wheat crackers with less additives.
For the regular crackers I can have 16g(about 4 or 5 crackers) per serving for 80 calories and pay $1.99.
For the whole wheat crackers I can have 30g(about 24 crackers) per serving for 120 calories and pay $2.96.

Yep the better for me food is gonna cost me more.

Cheese; processed yuckiness a dollar and change, good yummy natural cheese three dollars and change.

Now I wonder why they think we have become an obese country? Could it be that the every day joe just can not afford to buy the food that is nutritious and delicious as well as pay his bills and for gas in order to make the commute to work?
This really frustrates me because I am trying to do good I am trying to make my life longer. Sometimes I feel like it really is survival of the richest. Like they are weeding us out in the best way they know how!

Survival of the Richest!

30 Days and Counting!

So as of  3 hours 40 minutes ago my month started! I guess I should explain that.
Today as I was doing nothing I got a call from my mom. I pretty much knew this call was not going to end well when it began like this.

"I do not want to fight. I am just making a suggestion"

Oh yeah this call is going to end with one of us angry with the other one!
So she goes on to tell me about this new "diet" she is on and how the ladies in the store who sold it to her have lost 140lbs since July. This came right after she told me that they guarantee you will lose a pound a day. Three ladies divided by 140 is roughly 46.7 pounds a piece in the past 3 months. Uh yeah that is half of the guarantee.
So any way she wants me to try this diet. I am already feeling dread from the opening line of this conversation and now the dread has turned into full blown agony.  She promises that she will pay the 32 dollars for the first months tablets. Oh did I forget to mention that? Yeah you have to put these tablets under your tongue so many times a day. So any how she offers to pay for them as she knew my first defense was I am not working and money is tight. I still said no because I am just not into fad diets. I instantly heard the anger in her voice. I was like Mom the first thing you said is, "I don't want to fight" and it sounds as if you are angry. To which she replies, "You make my heart hurt" after I gave her a full list of reasons that this plan was just not for me she decided she needed to get off the phone.
I then call my Grandma to inform her of what just went down and prepare her for moms state of mind. I did not get a chance to get 2 words out of my mouth before mom called Grandma herself. She switched back over and says, "she just wants you to try it, she is just concerned."  Again I have to explain why this plan is not for me and why I am not interested. Thankfully my Grandma is more understanding of my reluctance to introduce more chemicals into my already over medicated system.
Well during this conversation I receive a text from.... You guessed it MOM! "I will even pay for your food while you are on it!" Oh what to do now? She has reverted to text so she does not have to hear the frustration in my voice. So I decide there will be a compromise. I text back, "Tell ya what, I will start counting calories and walking again tomorrow and if by November 7 I am not down 30 pounds I will give you one cycle." This made her happy, and because I have no intention of actually doing a cycle of these tablets 30 pounds gone it is.

Which brings us back to the present and my 30 days.

When my husband gets home from work I plan to head for the doctors office and put myself on their scale. First I intend to stand against a while and subject myself to photos. BLECK! You have to understand that is like torture for me. I will also be taking measurements and posting it all right here in this blog.
Yep that's right all my dirty nasty secrets right out here for the world to see. After all the world has ridiculed me (and so many others like me) for my weight all these years it just seems fitting that they also get to hold me accountable as I am taking it off.


Let me give you some back ground data on me so that you can follow along easily in the next 30 days and the months to come.


I was born on September 20, 1980. I came into this world weighing 6lbs 3oz (to this day the smallest baby to be born into my family). I was an average toddler until I started going to a babysitter at around 3 years old. My mom thought she was great she was the Grandma type. The problem was she did not work all day like my mom and grandparents. She did not carry a sack lunch like they did she made full meals and I was forced to eat.  Then my mom and Grandparents came home and fixed a huge meal. Thinking I had been having light meals throughout the day they also made me eat. I was one overly fed little girl! Before you know it the pictures of this pretty thin toddler became pictures of a fat little girl.  My family started me on "Diet Center" then and I lost about a pound a week. Though still chubby I no longer looked like a sausage. Around age 6 I was a very sick little girl. I spent time in the hospital and for the first time in my memory was thin. As you can tell that did not last. Since then I have dieted and lost weight only to regain it and then some. In 2006 I married Prince Charming! In Jan of 2008 I had a blood clot in my lung they placed me in their bariatric suite as it was the only one that had a bed large enough to hold me. To my horror the bed was also a scale and I had ballooned to 450 lbs. We went back to North Carolina and 6 weeks later I was on a plane again coming home to be with my sister as she gave birth to her first child. Now don't get me wrong I love my husband and growing old with him was reason enough to live, but that baby boy gave life a meaning that I had never known. Suddenly I needed to be alive for another 18 years at least. On the trip back home I caught a glimpse of myself nude in a mirror in a hotel room. I was horrified! When I got to my house I started counting calories and swimming every night. In that next 3 months I lost 50 pounds. I felt great! That summer I find out I am diabetic. Fast forward to 2009 my Prince who also happens to be a Marine is deploying, and I am packing everything we own for the long drive back to Illinois alone. I decide that I am going to get the ball rolling on weight loss surgery while he is gone. I am fully approved and just waiting for his return to have the surgery. He comes home in July and is discharged from the Corps in August which means we have insurance till Feb. So I schedule my surgery November 24, 2009 I have my lap band placed. The best Christmas present of 2009? The ability to eat solid food. In Jan I got my first fill I was still feeling great. Feb the second fill just days before our insurance runs out.  March they can not seem to access my port, same in April, so in may the Surgeon himself gives it a go with the x ray machine. Yep its there, but for some reason we are unable to get the needle in.  Fast Forward to today, nearly 2 years post surgery and down only 35 pounds. 

30 Days and Counting!