Toddler Therapy!

My today was wrapped around the two sweetest, smartest, funniest, mouthiest, meanest, most loving kids I know. We chit chatted all the way to Savoy on our way to see the Tiger. About Pesotum Jonah asks, "where is you house Ray Ray? Me no see it." I explained that my house was that way (if you could see my finger you would know that is north). He returns with, "Me house that way (pointing back slightly SE but mostly south.) long way that way!" Before that Kent, and the kids were making farm animal noises in the back seat. I asked the kids, "Are there mice on a farm? What sound does a mouse make?" Jonah was the first to reply with an I don't know. So I made the little squeaky sound and said that is what a mouse says. He then replies, ( Mickey mouse crawl on your windshield and you say EEK Ray!" I about died laughing as he referenced a conversation that we had a few months back. I thought to myself my little man is becoming a big boy. That sort of makes me sad and really makes me long for the days of baby time when he just wanted to snuggle. Then tonight he comes into my room and with tears welling in his eyes says, "can me call you me Mommy tonight?" I of course had to explain I was not his mommy but his Aunt. It just melted my heart though. Now that I have gone off on my tangent and started near tears in my own eyes let us get back to why i am here.  It is hard to count calories when you are engrossed in the activities of a child. I never get a full serving of anything because one child or the other needs a drink of my drink or a bite of my food. I don't mind but it sure makes it rough to know what I consumed.

The Marine Wife in me wants her life back!

My family can not understand why we are so eager to go back to the military. Never being settled, moving every 3 years, not being home is unimaginable to them. That is not to mention their terrible fear of the next deployment. It does not scare me in fact it comforts me! How could I not be comforted by the sense of security an active duty pay check brings? By knowing with out a doubt I will never again have to choose whether I pay my rent and truck payment or I buy food. How could I not want the security of knowing there is going to be a roof over our heads and power in our home no matter how tight the budget is? I guess it is hard for my family to see those things through my view because they have never had my view.

I feel like it gets harder and harder every day for us to keep our heads above water. I know that realistically in the past 2 years as a family we took a $2800.00 a month cut in pay and our bills doubled. It would be hard for anyone to stay afloat with the drastic change. I get told all the time well you just can not live like you used to, and we don't. If it were 2 years ago today we would be getting ready to pick up the kids. Instead of going to a free petting zoo and carving pumpkins my mom bought we would be headed for dinner some where and maybe a pumpkin patch on our own dime. My birthday last month would have been spent at a decently nice restaurant instead of the Chinese buffet that made me sick, and would have been followed by a movie. Our Saturdays would have been dinner and a movie or something else like that. It would not have been 2 months since the kids last spent the night, 6 months or so since I last saw my friends, or God knows how long since I had left the state. We would be living in a single family home where I could crank the music and not worry that someone was going to call the office. I would not have to call the office twice a week because my neighbors refuse to accept that they live in an apartment and can not crank their music or run and jump because I want some peace too. Our life would just be normal again... Well normal for us. 

Like my family, I too am afraid of the next deployment, but no more afraid active duty than I am national guard. I guess active duty makes me a little less afraid of that too. You see there is a sense of family when your on base with a unit there is a CO or XO's wife that I can contact, and normally she has been there before, and if she hasn't she is there now just like me. National Guard I do not know anyone from my husbands unit, they do not live near, I do not have any phone numbers, and even if I did they all have jobs. They are Civilians first and Military wives second, I will always be a military wife first. I will always love waking up to my man sliding into his camis , to the boots on the show rack, the tags hanging by the bed. I want to have to have my id out just to go home at night, buy groceries, and see the doctor. I want to be where people do not look at me funny because I have to think about what my social is when asked, because I am so used to reciting his. That is just my life, I miss it and I want it back!

Mind Over Mirror

One of my Mom's favorite things to tell me is, "it's just mind over matter" when I couldn't bring myself to eat deer it was mind over matter, when I could not straighten my leg for the X-Ray it was mind over matter (she was dead wrong that time), and my refusal to swim in lake water is mind over matter. In most cases through my life when she has said that she has been on the money.  I wonder if she knows that I have been playing mind over mirror all these years.

Really if I close my eyes my mind does not see the same girl that the mirror sees. Maybe that is why I have such a difficult time sticking to eating right and exercising. I have not ever visualized myself as the "fat girl" in the mirror. When I close my eyes the me I see is tiny! She has curly, but not frizzy hair, there is no facial hair at all, her skin is like alabaster, she weighs 140 tops, and talk about beautiful.  Now I am not delusional or separated from reality or anything like that, I know the girl in the mirror is whats real I just do not feel her (I even dream thin).  I wish that if I did not mind the girl in the mirror would not matter. However I still do mind her and unfortunately she matters like crazy! I guess I have to make it so it is mirror over mind. In this one case that is what is best for me.  I have 200 pounds to shed before the girl in today's mirror can stop mattering to me.



Mind Over Mirror

Survival of the Richest!

Ok so yeah we are on a limited budget! We rob Peter to pay Paul 2 or 3 times a month, and let me tell you Mary is pissed cause she ain't been paid in ages. I hear the news media, politicians, celebrities, and celeb Doctors (Doctor OZ and his kind) talk about how there is an "Obesity Epidemic". Well no shit people the average american family doesn't make 600,000 dollars a year (I know I am low balling most of these people)! I want to know if they have really looked at a grocery store shelf. Do they know that those of us "common" folk must weigh the difference between price and nutrition?

As I was shopping for my food today I had the choice I could buy crackers that were made with white flour and all kinds of  additives or whole wheat crackers with less additives.
For the regular crackers I can have 16g(about 4 or 5 crackers) per serving for 80 calories and pay $1.99.
For the whole wheat crackers I can have 30g(about 24 crackers) per serving for 120 calories and pay $2.96.

Yep the better for me food is gonna cost me more.

Cheese; processed yuckiness a dollar and change, good yummy natural cheese three dollars and change.

Now I wonder why they think we have become an obese country? Could it be that the every day joe just can not afford to buy the food that is nutritious and delicious as well as pay his bills and for gas in order to make the commute to work?
This really frustrates me because I am trying to do good I am trying to make my life longer. Sometimes I feel like it really is survival of the richest. Like they are weeding us out in the best way they know how!

Survival of the Richest!

Sleep Deprived Spelling Ace!

Ok I just finished my last post 3 hours ago and I have been up for almost an hour. That means if there are any typos your just going to have to cope. My Husband is home and he just took my pictures along with my measurements so I figured I better post them before I chicken out! Here goes nothing!

October 7, 2001 8:20 am CDT

Chest 61.75 inches
Arm 17.5 inches
Hips 61.75 inches
Thigh 26 inches
Weight 375.2

These measurements disgust me. I know what to do about them though and I will be doing it starting NOW! (ok after I get another hour or so of sleep)

After I weigh in today I will either be editing this post with my weight or I will put it in a comment.  Have a beautiful day!


Sleep Deprived Spelling Ace!

30 Days and Counting!

So as of  3 hours 40 minutes ago my month started! I guess I should explain that.
Today as I was doing nothing I got a call from my mom. I pretty much knew this call was not going to end well when it began like this.

"I do not want to fight. I am just making a suggestion"

Oh yeah this call is going to end with one of us angry with the other one!
So she goes on to tell me about this new "diet" she is on and how the ladies in the store who sold it to her have lost 140lbs since July. This came right after she told me that they guarantee you will lose a pound a day. Three ladies divided by 140 is roughly 46.7 pounds a piece in the past 3 months. Uh yeah that is half of the guarantee.
So any way she wants me to try this diet. I am already feeling dread from the opening line of this conversation and now the dread has turned into full blown agony.  She promises that she will pay the 32 dollars for the first months tablets. Oh did I forget to mention that? Yeah you have to put these tablets under your tongue so many times a day. So any how she offers to pay for them as she knew my first defense was I am not working and money is tight. I still said no because I am just not into fad diets. I instantly heard the anger in her voice. I was like Mom the first thing you said is, "I don't want to fight" and it sounds as if you are angry. To which she replies, "You make my heart hurt" after I gave her a full list of reasons that this plan was just not for me she decided she needed to get off the phone.
I then call my Grandma to inform her of what just went down and prepare her for moms state of mind. I did not get a chance to get 2 words out of my mouth before mom called Grandma herself. She switched back over and says, "she just wants you to try it, she is just concerned."  Again I have to explain why this plan is not for me and why I am not interested. Thankfully my Grandma is more understanding of my reluctance to introduce more chemicals into my already over medicated system.
Well during this conversation I receive a text from.... You guessed it MOM! "I will even pay for your food while you are on it!" Oh what to do now? She has reverted to text so she does not have to hear the frustration in my voice. So I decide there will be a compromise. I text back, "Tell ya what, I will start counting calories and walking again tomorrow and if by November 7 I am not down 30 pounds I will give you one cycle." This made her happy, and because I have no intention of actually doing a cycle of these tablets 30 pounds gone it is.

Which brings us back to the present and my 30 days.

When my husband gets home from work I plan to head for the doctors office and put myself on their scale. First I intend to stand against a while and subject myself to photos. BLECK! You have to understand that is like torture for me. I will also be taking measurements and posting it all right here in this blog.
Yep that's right all my dirty nasty secrets right out here for the world to see. After all the world has ridiculed me (and so many others like me) for my weight all these years it just seems fitting that they also get to hold me accountable as I am taking it off.


Let me give you some back ground data on me so that you can follow along easily in the next 30 days and the months to come.


I was born on September 20, 1980. I came into this world weighing 6lbs 3oz (to this day the smallest baby to be born into my family). I was an average toddler until I started going to a babysitter at around 3 years old. My mom thought she was great she was the Grandma type. The problem was she did not work all day like my mom and grandparents. She did not carry a sack lunch like they did she made full meals and I was forced to eat.  Then my mom and Grandparents came home and fixed a huge meal. Thinking I had been having light meals throughout the day they also made me eat. I was one overly fed little girl! Before you know it the pictures of this pretty thin toddler became pictures of a fat little girl.  My family started me on "Diet Center" then and I lost about a pound a week. Though still chubby I no longer looked like a sausage. Around age 6 I was a very sick little girl. I spent time in the hospital and for the first time in my memory was thin. As you can tell that did not last. Since then I have dieted and lost weight only to regain it and then some. In 2006 I married Prince Charming! In Jan of 2008 I had a blood clot in my lung they placed me in their bariatric suite as it was the only one that had a bed large enough to hold me. To my horror the bed was also a scale and I had ballooned to 450 lbs. We went back to North Carolina and 6 weeks later I was on a plane again coming home to be with my sister as she gave birth to her first child. Now don't get me wrong I love my husband and growing old with him was reason enough to live, but that baby boy gave life a meaning that I had never known. Suddenly I needed to be alive for another 18 years at least. On the trip back home I caught a glimpse of myself nude in a mirror in a hotel room. I was horrified! When I got to my house I started counting calories and swimming every night. In that next 3 months I lost 50 pounds. I felt great! That summer I find out I am diabetic. Fast forward to 2009 my Prince who also happens to be a Marine is deploying, and I am packing everything we own for the long drive back to Illinois alone. I decide that I am going to get the ball rolling on weight loss surgery while he is gone. I am fully approved and just waiting for his return to have the surgery. He comes home in July and is discharged from the Corps in August which means we have insurance till Feb. So I schedule my surgery November 24, 2009 I have my lap band placed. The best Christmas present of 2009? The ability to eat solid food. In Jan I got my first fill I was still feeling great. Feb the second fill just days before our insurance runs out.  March they can not seem to access my port, same in April, so in may the Surgeon himself gives it a go with the x ray machine. Yep its there, but for some reason we are unable to get the needle in.  Fast Forward to today, nearly 2 years post surgery and down only 35 pounds. 

30 Days and Counting!