The failure in me.

I feel sometimes as though I can not do anything right. Like most of my life I have either half accomplished things or just completely failed. I see November 7th quickly approaching and I am not even near a 30 pound loss. I know it is my fault I can not make myself diet, exercise, or some days even get up. I don't have a job and I see our household quickly sinking, and I am scared. I blame me for our sinking I didn't stand up and take care of me I relied on someone else. I know that my problems are self made, that my stress is more my burden than anyone else.  I was once a woman who was some kind of strong, able, beautiful, and intelligent. I do not know what those things are any more. Strong? I am far from that I would rather lay in a ball than face my world most of the time. Able? I do not know what I have the ability to do any more. I feel like I am unqualified for everything. Beautiful? Not in the least, I am fat, I nearly have a full beard, and my face peels like a snake. I can not even stand to look at myself in a mirror.  Intelligent? No far from that, most of the time stupid and inferior. Some days I feel like the biggest lie in all those words is woman. I do not fit that definition any more. The one thing in this world I have ever wanted more than anything is a baby and I can not even do that. Biologically I have all the parts but I can't make them work. I can not seem to make anything work or to be what I am supposed to. Please tell me how.

The nail!

I have always heard that some days you are the Hammer and some days you are the nail. Well I have been feeling like the nail quite often lately. Now I know that with out a doubt most of that is my own fault, but I tell you it is getting crazy old. I want to be the Damn hammer for a while and I sure know a few people I would like to have as my nail.