Fall is here!

There is a chill in the air, the leaves are turning and falling, and I am craving warm soups and stews. I love sweater weather! Here is another thing that brings me fall joy, hope they bring you a smile too.

Trick or Treat?

So I sat outside Monday night and froze my butt off. I was tempted to turn some of the kids away. I mean there was seriously no attempt at a costume.  I just want to give an example of what costumes look like ( I also want to show off what I consider the most adorable cow poke ever).

Please parents of Rantoul take a page from the Jonah and Addyson costume book. 

I mean seriously when I was a kid picking out your costume was an exciting thing! My mom did not buy into the expensive store bought costumes very often but I never remember going trick or treating in my plain clothes. One year she used food coloring and tinted Crisco purple painted my face and put a black trash bag over my body. TADA! I was a California rasin! One year she found this yellow cat costume at a rummage sale and it fit me (I was none too excited) but it did not have the head so she painted my face yellow and left my hair down all day (if you do not understand, this means that I had a huge fro). By trick or treat time I was a lion with a huge mane. She was imaginative, some times a bit frugal, but always cared how cute we were even if she did not have the money to buy a costume. Thanks Mom for caring enough to make sure we never went with out anything, and for not letting us ever feel left out. 

The failure in me.

I feel sometimes as though I can not do anything right. Like most of my life I have either half accomplished things or just completely failed. I see November 7th quickly approaching and I am not even near a 30 pound loss. I know it is my fault I can not make myself diet, exercise, or some days even get up. I don't have a job and I see our household quickly sinking, and I am scared. I blame me for our sinking I didn't stand up and take care of me I relied on someone else. I know that my problems are self made, that my stress is more my burden than anyone else.  I was once a woman who was some kind of strong, able, beautiful, and intelligent. I do not know what those things are any more. Strong? I am far from that I would rather lay in a ball than face my world most of the time. Able? I do not know what I have the ability to do any more. I feel like I am unqualified for everything. Beautiful? Not in the least, I am fat, I nearly have a full beard, and my face peels like a snake. I can not even stand to look at myself in a mirror.  Intelligent? No far from that, most of the time stupid and inferior. Some days I feel like the biggest lie in all those words is woman. I do not fit that definition any more. The one thing in this world I have ever wanted more than anything is a baby and I can not even do that. Biologically I have all the parts but I can't make them work. I can not seem to make anything work or to be what I am supposed to. Please tell me how.

The nail!

I have always heard that some days you are the Hammer and some days you are the nail. Well I have been feeling like the nail quite often lately. Now I know that with out a doubt most of that is my own fault, but I tell you it is getting crazy old. I want to be the Damn hammer for a while and I sure know a few people I would like to have as my nail.

The ups and downs and feeling crazies of the week!

I did not think that I was going to post by the week but I suppose that is what I am doing. So the 2.4 pounds I found last Friday, had just come to find 5  friends and run off by Wednesday.  Yep that is right in the first 2 weeks I lost 5 pounds. Hmm, I had Long Johns last night bet that means I gained that 5 pounds back. We shall see on Wednesday. I have put in application after application and have yet to hear anything. I am going to start making phone calls on Monday. You know the old, "I put in an application at your business on Blah blah date and I am just checking to see the status of that application. I am really interested in working for your company."
I know sounds like begging right? Well right now I am truly not too proud for that. I made a couple of magazine trees this week and am currently working on a third plus a news paper tree. They are super cute even if they cost a lot of time to make. I want to start selling them gonna have to get on the ball and get quite a few finished. Again wish me luck and send many prayers my way.

Feeling Crazy

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

4:30 am

It is 4:30 in the morning and I can not sleep. I am terribly discouraged as I gained 2.4 pounds this week and well truly have struggled more than I ever have before. We also talked about some really heavy things tonight. Things that could alter 7 lives forever. Those things will remain unnamed for right now because they do affect more than just Kent and I.

I have to remember to bring a fan to Gma's next time we stay here. It is always warmer than our house. I wake up several times in the middle of the nigh here and that makes for bad days. Back to the weight gain. Not only am I stressed to the max but I am also always craving something sweet, and can not seem to motivate myself to walk. Guess that is an issue! Moving is important and I know that just need someone to move with me. Going to try and sleep, Good Morning to you!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4